


What happens at SHIELD...

by Harmony_Watson



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: #coulsonlives, Get Together, Memos, Multi, Natasha does not have time for bullshit, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-02 16:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4067197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harmony_Watson/pseuds/Harmony_Watson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SHIELD memos no one is allowed to talk about.<br/>(More characters and tags to be added later)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

From: Maria Hill  
To: SHIELD General Messages.  
Subject: The song. 

If any agents are found mentioning, humming, whistling, singing, in possession of or even thinking about the song 'Let's go to the Mall', they will be demoted to the rank of sub recruit. 

It was an undercover thing, and not something that needs to be dredged up every time we go through an Invasion drought. 

And to Agent Barton especially. Stop making CDs and 'accidentally' leaving them everywhere. Don't even try and deny it Barton. 

Maria Hill  
Operations Manager


	2. No one likes Medical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint and Natasha hate Medical.  
> Phil hates having to chase them.  
> Is there a solution here?

From: Phil Coulson  
To Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton  
Subject: Medical

SHIELD Regulation 9.345 says 'All Field Agents must report for a medical clearance after every mission, regardless of lack of injury or illness'. 

Would either of you like to explain how in the last 3 months you've been on 6 different Field Missions, and I don't have a single report from Medical from either of you?

Also, would you like to explain the presence of a red headed nurse who no one can identify? The same red headed nurse who was spotted in the medical supply area 10 times in the last 3 months? 

Would you also like to explain the shortages in Medical supplies, specifically bandages, antisceptic and a bullet repair kit?

Phil Coulson  
AKA Your Fucking Handler

 

From Clint Barton  
CC: Natasha Romanoff  
To Phil Coulson  
Subject: RE:Medical

We are aware of the regulations. We would never dream of disobeying a regulation of SHIELD. 

Perhaps the paperwork got lost in transit? Lost in the void of cyberspace? Or perhaps the paperwork was evil and was sent to paperwork hell?

Red headed nurse? Sounds like someone has a crush. Have you been pervving on the Medical staff Coulson?  
Also, is this a red headed female or red headed male? Because there's a bet going on and I have 10 bucks riding on the answer. 

Missing equipment? Obviously some slack inventorying. Honestly, and you wonder why we don't like Medical. They can't even keep their supplies in order. 

Clint Barton

P/S Our /Fucking/ Handler? Are you propositioning us Coulson? Do we need a chaperon?

 

From:Phil Coulson  
To Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton  
Subject: Medical

Perhaps I should be more direct. You will both report to Medical after every mission, and then you will personally hand me reports within 12 hours of the mission completing, unless there is a good reason. Which basically means you're unconscious or dead. 

And if you get the reports within 6 hours, I will bring you both chocolate and vodka. 

If you submit the reports within 2 hours, I will buy you both dinner. 

Phil Coulson.  
Senior Handler

 

From Clint Barton  
CC: Natasha Romanoff  
To Phil Coulson  
Subject: RE:Medical

Seriously? 

We accept. I want steak. And Lobster. And Turducken.  
Natasha wants some Heston Blumenthal stuff.  
No idea what Heston Blumenthal is. Doesn't sound all the great, but she's got that look in her eyes and she's sharpening her knives.  
Do I still get food if Natasha sends me to Medical?

Clint Barton

 

From:Phil Coulson  
To Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton  
Subject: Medical

No, you don't get rewarded if you bait Natasha enough for her to send you to Medical.  
Stupidity gets no sympathy. 

Phil Coulson  
Senior Handler

 

From Clint Barton  
CC: Natasha Romanoff  
To Phil Coulson  
Subject: RE:Medical

You're a mean bastard. 

I always knew you had it in you

I'm so proud. 

Clint Barton

 

From:Phil Coulson  
To Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton  
Subject: Medical

I learned from the best. 

Phil Coulson  
Senior Handler

 

From Natasha Romanoff  
To Phil Coulson, Clint Barton  
Subject: RE:Medical

You're both idiots. Just make out before I have to shoot one of you. 

Natasha Romanoff

From:Phil Coulson  
To Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton  
Subject: Medical

In the interests of safety, would you like to have dinner with me? 

Phil Coulson  
Senior Handler

p>From Clint Barton  
CC: Natasha Romanoff  
To Phil Coulson  
Subject: RE:Medical

In the interests of safety, Yes!!

Clint Barton

 


	3. The Bet

From: Maria Hill  
To: SHIELD General Messages  
Subject: The Bet. 

To any and all SHIELD agents who participated in the betting pool about Agents Barton and Coulson. 

The pool is over. They have finally gotten their fingers out of their asses and gotten together. 

The official time and date was the 25th of February at 13:17 hours. 

Agent Wu had the correct date. Agent Circe had the correct time. All other winners will be announced once the full money is paid. 

Maria Hill  
Operations Manager

 

From: Phil Coulson  
To: Maria Hill  
Subject: RE: The Bet. 

Two things I’d like to discuss. 

1\. You were the one who ran the pool? You know betting on my personal relationships is against the sexual harassment rules?

2\. How the hell did you know the exact time and date of when I asked Clint out? Those emails were private. 

Phil Coulson  
Senior Handler

 

From: Maria Hill  
To: Phil Coulson  
Subject: RE: The Bet

1\. I had to listen to your quiet sighs and tolerated your lovestruck glances when Barton was around. I would be surprised if you had ‘Mr Phil Barton” written in your notebooks. This bet was my compensation for years (I repeat, years) of painful waiting before you finally pulled your head out. 

2\. I work for a covert government agency, under Nick Fury. I managed a thousand person flying office of secret agents. You don’t think finding out when you asked someone out is hard, do you? Finding out secrets is on my resume, right after my karate blackbelt. 

Maria Hill  
Operations Manager

 

From: Phil Coulson  
To: Maria Hill  
Subject: RE: The Bet. 

1\. I was not sighing and writing that like a teenage girl. And I could mention the late nights you and Nick have spent doing ‘reports’. Seems like there is a suspicious lack of surveillance during those times. Shall we talk about that?

2\. You asked Natasha, didn’t you? 

Phil Coulson  
Senior Handler

 

From: Maria Hill  
To: Phil Coulson  
Subject: RE: The Bet

1\. There is a lack of surveillance due to the sensitive nature of the things Director Fury and I discuss. Stop suggesting there is something more going on. And don’t start a pool about it. 

2\. I have my sources, just like you do. And no, they are not just Agent Romanoff. Just because we go to the same gym does not mean we spend the days off braiding each other’s hair and talking about boys. Get over it. 

Maria Hill  
Operations Manager

 

From: Phil Coulson  
To: Maria Hill  
Subject: RE: The Bet. 

1\. Sure, you just stick to that story. It’s not like you could go to any of the dozens of rooms set aside for classified meetings. For some reason it has to be Fury’s office. Nothing suspicious at all there. 

2\. I know you two go out to clubs and deflate drunk college guys egos together. Isn’t that your version of braiding hair and talking about boys?

Phil Coulson  
Senior Handler

 

From: Clint Barton  
To: Maria Hill  
Subject: RE: The Bet

Oooh, BURN!!!

Clint Barton

 

From: Maria Hill  
To: Clint Barton  
Subject: RE: The Bet

Go to hell Barton. 

Maria Hill  
Operations Manager

 

From: Clint Barton  
To: Maria Hill  
Subject: RE: The Bet

Do you keep in touch with Jessica and Tory? Catch up in your jelly bracelets and cool graffiti coats?

Clint Barton

 

From: Maria Hill  
To: Clint Barton  
Subject: RE: The Bet

I think I hate you Barton. 

Strike that, I definitely hate you. 

Just for that, you don’t get your winnings for guessing Phil likes men. 

Maria Hill  
Operations Manager

 

From: Phil Coulson  
To: Maria Hill  
Subject: RE: The Bet. 

WHAT??

My office, now Barton. This conversation is over. 

Phil Coulson  
Senior Handler


End file.
